Subconscious Desires
by lefcadio
Summary: Light x L. Light knows that dreams don't mean anything... so why is he so worried? Spoilers for 58.


**Notes:** Written for moontyger. ♥

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_Sometimes, there__ﾁ__fs these dreams..._

The room is empty; silent -- filled with the harsh, white artificial light which floods from the bulbs overhead. Itﾁfs not right. Lightﾁfs standing there, alone; glancing around uncertainly wondering why everyoneﾁfs disappeared.

He squints as the light gets brighter, and takes a step backwards -- the sharp and rigid controls of the panel behind him suddenly make themselves known, and he jumps, turning around to see the multiple screens, like a glittering faceted eye gazing down on him.

ﾁgWhy are you here?ﾁh

He hears the strangely distant voice come from behind him, but finds he canﾁft move his body to see who it is. But that voice -- he _knows_ that voice. So well...

The lights flicker.

_... and they don__ﾁ__ft make any sense._

Usually, Lightﾁfs the first to wake up. This surprised him at first -- heﾁfd always imagined L to b a light sleeper; maybe even an insomniac -- but as it turned out, he was quite wrong.

He sits up, frowning a little as a dull, painful headache makes itself known behind his eyes. Light sighs and leans back, glancing over at L whoﾁfs still sleeping soundly; sprawled out on his front, one bare foot sticking out from under the side of the duvet.

Itﾁfs only just dawn; pale, watery streams of sunlight are beginning to trickle in through the gaps in the thick hotel curtains. He takes a breath, images and sounds from the most recent dream still clear and echoing in his mind.

Itﾁfs a sharp contrast to the real world he wakes up to: in his dreams, itﾁfs clinical and harsh; cold, and unsettling. Here... he runs a hand through his hair tiredly and closes his eyes, listening to the steady sounds of L breathing. Here, itﾁfs warm -- even oddly comforting despite the circumstances -- but most of all, it strikes him that itﾁfs the shadows that are different. A multitude of shades of grey, that seem to give the rooms life; makes them _real_.

But of course, Light knows thatﾁfs an inane thought; of course dreams are going to be unrealistic. Itﾁfs not as though they have any meaning, after all.

L mumbles something in his sleep and turns over; the chain connecting them becomes taut, and Light can feel the gentle pull.

_I don__ﾁ__ft know what causes them, but..._

Heﾁfs in the room again. Still surrounded by those glowing screens, and by that unpleasant light which seems to permeate every corner.

ﾁg...youﾁfre still here. Why?ﾁh

Itﾁfs that voice again, and Light can feel himself struggling, trying to remember. That familiar, curious tone -- but it makes Light uncomfortable because itﾁfs faintly accusing.

ﾁgI...ﾁh He forces the words out, speaking suddenly an arduous, difficult task. ﾁgI... donﾁft know...ﾁh

Thereﾁfs a pause, and Light bites his lip. A strange chill sets in, slowly creeping up his spine.

The lights flicker.

ﾁgI think thereﾁfs something you want.ﾁh

The moment the voice announces this, Light suddenly feels drained; lethargic -- but he can move again. Thereﾁfs a sense of apprehension, but of course he has to know. He turns, and feels his stomach lurch.

L.

_...they won__ﾁ__ft leave me alone._

ﾁg...did you not sleep well, Yagami-kun?ﾁh

Lﾁfs gazing at him, dark eyes wide over the rim of his teacup. Lightﾁfs not really listening; heﾁfd be avoiding L if he could, but...

He stares down at the dark metal circlet, all too aware of why he agreed to this. It has to continue; if he wants to prove his innocence to L, heﾁfll just have to find some way to cope. _The dreams don__ﾁ__ft mean anything._

ﾁgIﾁfm just preoccupied with the Kira case; itﾁfs nothing.ﾁh

ﾁgI see.ﾁh

Light almost smiles at that; L can apparently be tactful when he chooses -- as he knows itﾁfs not sincere from the way those eyes are still watching him, waiting.

Itﾁfs a long day.

_But they__ﾁ__fre meaningless, because..._

Heﾁfs standing there, shoulders slightly hunched; hands in pockets and feet bare.

ﾁgIﾁfm right. There is something you want, isnﾁft there, Yagami-kun?ﾁh

Light canﾁft tear his eyes away. L looks ill -- face pale and washed out, as though drained by the lighting which seems to steal the life from all in the room; eyes underscored by thick shadows, and he doesnﾁft blink.

ﾁgSomething... I want?ﾁh

Is there?

And then Lﾁfs moving forwards, and then heﾁfs there -- whispering in Lightﾁfs ear, one hand resting on the side of Lightﾁfs neck.

ﾁg_Yes. It__ﾁ__fs me you want, isn__ﾁ__ft it..._ﾁh

But Lightﾁfs stumbling back, because Lﾁfs breath is cold, and the hand on him is chilled and clammy, like that of a corpse.

L smiles.

_...I don__ﾁ__ft know what I__ﾁ__fll do if they__ﾁ__fre not._

Light doesnﾁft believe in prescient dreams. Indeed, he believes dreams are nothing but the trite waste of the subconscious.

But surely his subconscious doesnﾁft want... no. These dreams are irritating; these dreams are causing nothing but trouble.

ﾁg...Ryuuzaki, do you believe that dreams have any meaning?ﾁh

Breakfast time again, and L still looks half asleep, piling cube after cube of sugar into his tea.

ﾁgNot really. But thatﾁfs an odd question for you to ask, Yagami-kun.ﾁh

That _look_ again; L suddenly seems more awake.

ﾁgI suppose so. Itﾁfs just...ﾁh Light trails off, feeling uncomfortable, ﾁgIﾁfve been having these strange dreams...ﾁh

ﾁgOh?ﾁh L pulls his knees up, and peers over them at Light with wide eyes, ﾁgwhat kind of strange dreams?ﾁh

Light frowns, tapping his finger on the glossy wooden surface of the table. ﾁgItﾁfs... hard to describe. But theyﾁfre _here_, in headquarters, and... thereﾁfs you.ﾁh

L looks mildly perplexed, and tilts his head, ﾁgyou dream about me?ﾁh

ﾁgWell, yes. You... tell me that I want something, and you feel cold. Deathly cold.ﾁh

ﾁgHmm.ﾁh L simply pauses to consider this, biting on the end of his thumb. ﾁgWell, I think youﾁfre over-working yourself, Yagami-kun.ﾁh L stands up now, balancing bare-footed on the edge of the sofa, before stepping over the low coffee table to crouch next to Light.

Light jumps slightly as he feels a warm hand cover his own.

ﾁgSee?ﾁh Lﾁfs lips are curved with the faintest hint of a smile, but his eyes are dark and earnest. ﾁgIﾁfm fine, Yagami-kun. You worry too much.ﾁh And then heﾁfs looking away, but his hand remains.

That was a long day, too.

_Every night, there__ﾁ__fs these dreams..._

The smile doesnﾁft last long.

The lights flicker again, and suddenly the room is plunged into darkness. Light feels his heart begin to race, and fumbles around behind him for something -- anything -- solid. He feels the outline of some buttons and pushes desperately, randomly.

The lights return, and thereﾁfs L, on the floor, sprawled out as though asleep. Lightﾁfs mouth is dry, and the white glare is painful. Everythingﾁfs... so... unreal.

ﾁg...L?ﾁh

Thereﾁfs no response, and Light feels his dread grow, until itﾁfs like a permanent ache. Heﾁfs about to walk forward; reach out when--

ﾁgYou killed me, you know.ﾁh

The voice is casual, almost toneless, and Light spins around to see the vision of Lﾁfs dead body reflected in the countless monitors like a morbid mosaic.

ﾁgW--what?ﾁh He breathes raggedly, unable to tear his gaze from the screens confronting him.

ﾁgYou killed me, you know.ﾁh Itﾁfs a simple repetition, as though itﾁfs a recording set to play forever.

ﾁgNo--ﾁh

_There__ﾁ__fs something you want._

ﾁgI--ﾁh

_It__ﾁ__fs me you want, isn__ﾁ__ft it._

ﾁgL, please---!ﾁh

ﾁgYou killed me, you know. Please look forward to it.ﾁh

Lightﾁfs holding onto the side for support, and he feels sick.

Itﾁfs the last dream he has.

_...and I wake up, feeling desperate and not entirely like myself._

He awakes with a start, breathing heavily, blinking as he slowly realises that L is hovering over him, a hand placed cautiously on his shoulder.

ﾁgAre you alright now, Yagami-kun?ﾁh

ﾁgL!ﾁh He sits up and stares, the wave of relief almost unbearable. ﾁgYouﾁfre... alright...ﾁh

_Stop it, dreams don__ﾁ__ft mean anything._

ﾁgItﾁfs Ryuuzaki, and I know I am,ﾁh L stares at him, heavily shadowed in the half-light, ﾁgyou were the one making strange noises in your sleep, Yagami-kun. Did you have a nightmare?ﾁh

ﾁg...no.ﾁh Lightﾁfs gaining control over himself again, now, and impulsively reaches up to take Lﾁfs arm, and pulls him down to sit on the bed next to him. ﾁgNo, I didnﾁft.ﾁh

The room beyond their beds is dark, and it all feels so... foreboding...

ﾁgOh.ﾁh L falls silent for a moment, and seems to be considering this, ﾁg...but you were shouting my name in your sleep.ﾁh

ﾁg...I...ﾁh Light falls silent, and Lﾁfs watching him with that curious, open gaze; heﾁfs warm and real and alive and _there_ -- and Light knows itﾁfs foolish, but he can still see that dead-L so clearly in his mindﾁfs eye -- so he reaches out, and draws L to him.

It starts as a soft kiss, into which Light pours all his desperation, confusion, and desire to make sure that L is alive and planning to stay that way.

But as he pulls away Light can see that Lﾁfs eyes are sad, though he smiles and traces a finger along Lightﾁfs neckline.

ﾁgDreams donﾁft mean anything, Yagami-kun.ﾁh

Light glances around, taking in the warm glow of the bedside lamp, and the soft shadows patterning Lﾁfs face. He hesitates; which one of them was it that L was trying to convince?

ﾁgNo... youﾁfre right.ﾁh

_I used to have these dreams, but..._

Much later, wrist bare, Light would laugh.

Looking back, it seemed to simply confirmed his belief that dreams were the unimportant waste of the subconscious.

_... then they came true._


End file.
